Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
