he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
