I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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