don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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