i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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