Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
