It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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