So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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