Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
