I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
