At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
