God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
