The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
