i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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