somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
