No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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