i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Your penis caused this!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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