Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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