I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
