i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
