Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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