the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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