Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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