My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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