I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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