she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
