Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
