You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
