u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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