the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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