Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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