Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
she smelled like a LAN party
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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