remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
