She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
