I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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