So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
