my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
