come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
