I am in a vortex of obligation.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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