You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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