Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
