I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
