Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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