he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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