1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
