The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
