Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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