sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
