I accidentally burped into my bong.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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