You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
