I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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